"Listen Robert, I'm finally five years old. That's.....", dogs are not very good at math. "That makes me.....hmmmm...... thirty two?" See I told you. "I think we should talk, man to man."
"First of all, I'm not even going to talk about your poor arithmetic skills. Yet, I will say, it's three in the morning, I'm trying to wear myself out, and obviously the "man to man" reference doesn't really work in this situation", I am this sarcastic, even to my dog.
"You have good points, but I could also say, you are the one, in your briefs, holding a conversation with a dog." It is a really sad state of affairs when your mutt is dead fucking on point. Needless, to say, the push ups have ceased.
"Ok, you have my undivided attention", I sigh as I roll over onto my back.
"Robert, listen man, I keep trying to find a good way to bring this up, but I think I need to be direct", he has now switched into an oddly serious tone. Don't ask me what a dog's serious tone sounds like. It will just embarrass the both of us even further.
"Ok, just spit it out", I sit up and we are nearly eye level now. Yes, I let him sleep on my bed. I mean, come on, he's a talking dog.
"You've been single for what.....a year....year and a half now?"
"Jeff! That is not entirely true. I mean Amalie. That was a few months, right?"
"You know, I'm really wondering whether that relationship even counts", he said it. He really did.
"I don't want to discount her at all. Lovely girl. She truly was. Yet, was that really what we would call a 'relationship'? I mean, you gotta put yourself out there man."
"Wait. What? I put myself out there", I'm starting to get a little insulted by this conversation.
"Oh, I'm sorry, by yourself, I meant more than just your dick", my dog is well versed in the sarcasm, also. "Listen man, you gotta stop it with this wall building shit. Don't get me wrong. You really do...um......how can I say this.......play the 'man' role? But, you gotta be more giving with yourself."
"Example?"
"I need you to look me in the eyes for this", Jeff has turned dead serious.
"Sure", I say with just a bit of uncertainty. I ease up on my knees. A lot is starting to sink in. It's three o clock in the morning. I'm in my underwear. Kneeling nose to nose, in front of my dog. Having an imaginary conversation about my relationship with women. This is not a high point in my life.
We are now staring into each other's eyes.
I've always found it weird how human his eyes are. They seem to come from another place. It, at times, has been unsettling, but for the most part, comforting. I can see his nostrils flaring with each breath. His little black lips are thin and a bit pouty. He lets out a small bark. It refocuses my attention on his eyes.
"Robert, I want you to listen closely to me. You are wonderful. Not only the parts that you show people, but the parts you hide away. You are smart, and funny, and witty, and anyone can tell, no matter how much you hide it. You have a ton of love in your heart. I mean a fucking ton, man. I see it everyday. You can't ever stop hugging things. I think it's funny when you try to be all mean, and gruff. Because I see what your smile looks like when we wrestle around your bedroom. You're problem isn't that you love too little, and people think you're an asshole. You're problem is that you love so much, and it hurts people to watch you try to hide it. I know you have been hurt, and I know you want to do the same to everyone else. Yet, it's frustrating you even more because you can't. Just stop it. If I had arms I would hug you, but I don't. So, all I can do is this." With a quick motion his tongue hit me on the tip of nose.
I buried my face in my hands and started to cry. I found myself at an odd crossroad. A dog. A stupid, furry, mangy, mutt had told me what no one else has had the balls to say. In that one little doggy kiss, he had broken down everything I had tried to build. A big, fucking, mean, black, sarcastic, wall. I looked up at his gorgeous, brown eyes. Tears soaking my face. There was only one thing I could say to him.
"Who wants a tummy rub?"
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, I do!!! I do!!!!!", he exclaimed.
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