My Homeless Looking Dog, Isn't Doing Me Any Favors

The all too familiar look,
and a small shake of the hips.
She lights up my life,
like an explosion.
With a smile she uses to get her way.

The light touch of conversation,
and the slight begging in her voice.
She drowns out the daylight,
like curtains I wish I owned,
With her raspy voice she shakes the trees.

Two of a kind,
they are the sun and the moon.
The enticement of warmth and heat,
but I still need the darkness that travels over the hills.

   So, waking up next to two different ex lovers, in a matter of 48 hours, needs only one word for description. Weird. Really fucking weird. Having cast one of them so far from my thoughts, that the mere idea of being in the vicinity of her, is completely foreign. Let alone, going to dinner, and having her suggest that we "casually date".
   "Um....Eliza.....not just no, but......fuck no", these were some of the hardest words I had said to another human being in a long time.
   I think her reaction was typical, which made it even more, odd. She has never been one for typical responses. Yet, the dinner was enlightening. I learned things that made me realize that her brand of life may never fit easily into mine. I would have created a Powerpoint, but instead I give you my list.

Reasons why it is hard to love Eliza:

1. Eliza has a Body Dismorphia problem that causes her to think that she is simultaneously able to get whatever she wants because she is gorgeous, and still the little fat girl that was ignored by her parents.
2. Her parents never ignored her. She's just an only child, with parents that drank a lot.
3. In a matter of the year or so, in which we have been broken up, she has fallen in "love" twice, and already been through a 9 month relationship.
4. I realize that she may have a completely different definition of "love" than I have.
5. Eliza has an ability to make me smile on the outside. Yet, not spark a piece of intellectual excitement. This dinner was no different.
6. Sleeping next to her was a reminder of why I never dreamed when I was with her.
7. I love my dreams.
8. She still, to this day, picks the worst friends and acquaintances.
9. The realization that I give fantastic advice to people I care about, and love, and deserve someone that will listen to it when they ask for it.
10. Her butt is still lacking. I know she's proud of it, but her face is so much more, and she doesn't realize it.
11. Take note: If you are doing something for the better of yourself and the world around you, it doesn't mean you have to remind everyone of the same.
12. Did I mention that she has already been in "love" twice? Hahahah

   Ok, So, this is the problem. I could easily list all the reasons it is easy to love her. I could. Easily. The love I feel for her is unfathomable, and has been since I first fell for her, and since we left each other's side. Yet, what good does that do.
  "You just can't let yourself be happy, can you?", she has said this too many times, and it sounds no different a year later in my truck. Here's the problem with that. I am happy. I am. I mean, life is never perfect, and sometimes contentedness is as close as you get to happy. I'll take that. I truly will. I can let myself be happy, and I do, often.
   Yet, let's be honest. This is nothing more than holiday blues, hitting her. It's happened before. Well, it hasn't hit me. I actually feel a little better. Especially after writing this. It has popped my psyche open to things that aren't even mentionable here. I'll leave this with quotes from two texts that I just got from a dear friend. Batting a problem around with someone completely removed from the situation, like exes coming out of the woodwork, is something I highly recommend.

"Because they are alone, and want the comfort of something great, they once possessed."

"They want to see that certain look that you get when you look at a woman. I have seen it, and craved it."

Thank you, Adrienne. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.



P.S. If anyone out there could get me off The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack that would be very nice. Thank you.