I Am on Hiatus

Till next Monday. Have a great holiday.

I Feel Remorse, For Whomever Knocks on My Door

   The car ride was nothing less than completely uneventful. I was kept busy by the constant, rhythmic thump of the creases in the road. Normally, my imagination would devise some sort of song, or rap to go along with it. This was not one of those trips. There was a consistent low hum in my brain, that caused me to become myopic in thoughts. I looked to my passenger seat, hoping for a sneaking smile. Maybe she would see that my head had gotten ahead of itself, and gently reach over and hold my hand. She was wholeheartedly asleep, in the back seat of the truck.
   This is a flashback. This is how they come. It is a whirlwind tornado, of all encompassing thought, that gets away from me. There is a smell, or a sound, that triggers it. When that happens, it just fades in for a few brief moments, and leaves, like a thief in the night.
   Dinner was odd. Is it strange to set up a dinner with an ex lover, so that she can pick you apart mentally? Literally, on purpose, we had planned dinner around this psychological profile she had worked up in her time knowing, and being apart from me. She was spot on. Yet, she held back. Why? She was constructive, when she could have been harsh. I can handle harsh, and she knows it. She looked amazing. She always does. The low cut tops that bare enough cleavage to remind me of what I was missing. Her eyes, bright, full of optimism, and determination. That little click sound she makes with her mouth when she winks knowingly. I think that is where she was being harsh. Killing with kindness. I could still see her laying on my couch, fully nude, on Christmas day. Eating an enormous meal that I somehow pulled out of nowhere. That day, we laughed, and danced, and fucked like it was our last day on Earth. Little did we both know, it wasn't far off.
   When the mind wanders it can only be described as a frail woman holding the leash of a determined Great Dane. It is going to lead you. You will follow. The leaves of your senses, start as a small wind swept swirl, in the middle of a suburban street. Slowly, it grows and takes them upwards. Since these memories are merely daydreams, it takes just seconds for them to become a tornado. Grabbing the Midwest homes of your psyche, pulling them into the air, and tearing them to shreds.
    No matter whether I see her for a second, or sit next to her for hours on the patio of some local bar, she is both, elation and depression. I'm forever intrigued by her boots. They seem to turn my nearest hand into a magnet. She's never told me to stop. It has never been treated as an intrusion. Well, there was that one time, but I think even she knew it was an over reaction. Every once in a while I will wrap my hand around the shin part of the boot, and gently tap my fingers, as if to let her know I'm there. That small tap. That small pat. The slight, gentle noise of rain starting to hit the pavement. Our day could not have been more perfect, and her impromptu company made it exactly that. We had danced all day. Drank until the evening sun dropped into an orange and purple sky. The shows were loud, and we danced close like two wolves hungry to just play with each other. Earlier in the day, I had been mouth deep below her moans, which, at that moment, seemed like an eternity ago. We ran to the car, and that slow patter of rain began. It grew quickly. I was thirsty for any water, whether in my mouth or on my body, and I began to laugh. Throwing my hands in the air, I looked at her, and saw a small halo form over her head with each street lamp we passed. She was smiling that anxious smile of someone that thinks I have gone mad. I was grinning from the fact that she has no idea how beautiful she continued to look, even with her wet hair matted to her face. We grabbed each other like we had been starving for each other's lips.
   Every time my rough hand, slides up and down that soft, smooth boot, I can feel that breath. The breath of a perfect day.

  

My Homeless Looking Dog, Isn't Doing Me Any Favors

The all too familiar look,
and a small shake of the hips.
She lights up my life,
like an explosion.
With a smile she uses to get her way.

The light touch of conversation,
and the slight begging in her voice.
She drowns out the daylight,
like curtains I wish I owned,
With her raspy voice she shakes the trees.

Two of a kind,
they are the sun and the moon.
The enticement of warmth and heat,
but I still need the darkness that travels over the hills.

   So, waking up next to two different ex lovers, in a matter of 48 hours, needs only one word for description. Weird. Really fucking weird. Having cast one of them so far from my thoughts, that the mere idea of being in the vicinity of her, is completely foreign. Let alone, going to dinner, and having her suggest that we "casually date".
   "Um....Eliza.....not just no, but......fuck no", these were some of the hardest words I had said to another human being in a long time.
   I think her reaction was typical, which made it even more, odd. She has never been one for typical responses. Yet, the dinner was enlightening. I learned things that made me realize that her brand of life may never fit easily into mine. I would have created a Powerpoint, but instead I give you my list.

Reasons why it is hard to love Eliza:

1. Eliza has a Body Dismorphia problem that causes her to think that she is simultaneously able to get whatever she wants because she is gorgeous, and still the little fat girl that was ignored by her parents.
2. Her parents never ignored her. She's just an only child, with parents that drank a lot.
3. In a matter of the year or so, in which we have been broken up, she has fallen in "love" twice, and already been through a 9 month relationship.
4. I realize that she may have a completely different definition of "love" than I have.
5. Eliza has an ability to make me smile on the outside. Yet, not spark a piece of intellectual excitement. This dinner was no different.
6. Sleeping next to her was a reminder of why I never dreamed when I was with her.
7. I love my dreams.
8. She still, to this day, picks the worst friends and acquaintances.
9. The realization that I give fantastic advice to people I care about, and love, and deserve someone that will listen to it when they ask for it.
10. Her butt is still lacking. I know she's proud of it, but her face is so much more, and she doesn't realize it.
11. Take note: If you are doing something for the better of yourself and the world around you, it doesn't mean you have to remind everyone of the same.
12. Did I mention that she has already been in "love" twice? Hahahah

   Ok, So, this is the problem. I could easily list all the reasons it is easy to love her. I could. Easily. The love I feel for her is unfathomable, and has been since I first fell for her, and since we left each other's side. Yet, what good does that do.
  "You just can't let yourself be happy, can you?", she has said this too many times, and it sounds no different a year later in my truck. Here's the problem with that. I am happy. I am. I mean, life is never perfect, and sometimes contentedness is as close as you get to happy. I'll take that. I truly will. I can let myself be happy, and I do, often.
   Yet, let's be honest. This is nothing more than holiday blues, hitting her. It's happened before. Well, it hasn't hit me. I actually feel a little better. Especially after writing this. It has popped my psyche open to things that aren't even mentionable here. I'll leave this with quotes from two texts that I just got from a dear friend. Batting a problem around with someone completely removed from the situation, like exes coming out of the woodwork, is something I highly recommend.

"Because they are alone, and want the comfort of something great, they once possessed."

"They want to see that certain look that you get when you look at a woman. I have seen it, and craved it."

Thank you, Adrienne. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.



P.S. If anyone out there could get me off The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack that would be very nice. Thank you.